Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
