Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
