I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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