I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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