11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
