Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
