if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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