hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
