i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
