Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
