I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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