All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
