I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i now understand why vodka
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
