I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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