Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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