I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
