last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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