also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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