Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
