Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
