New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
