your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
