someone threw a dead crab at me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
