Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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