mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
