wanna go halves on a baby?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I fill condoms, not promises.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
