After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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