You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
