Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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