I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
