listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
