Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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