I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
