I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
