captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
