..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
