i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
