it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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