the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
These tits shall not be calmed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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