Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
