I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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