I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
