when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Boobs speak an international language.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
