To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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