I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
