Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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