If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
