we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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