my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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