I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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