Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
